Trivial Fear

essaysbysean.blogspot.com

I had a choice to make today...

My choice was: “to get going or not,” on photocopying my big manuscript of poetry. At least, that’s what I think was going on. (Besides other minor things)

Today, after noon, I finally stood in the Staples Business Depot copy service area, going from counter to machine to machine, feeling like Stephen Leacock trying to open a bank account—OK, not that bad, but as I observed myself I could say, “Yes, I am not in a comfortable place.” But at the same time, even if I was soft-voiced and hesitant, I never stopped moving forward. And when the second machine gave imperfect copies, I had the lady redo it, over behind her counter, at a good machine.

But in the morning? I can only say that I frittered. My body wasn’t stiff and slow with fear, because I know what that’s like. Instead, I kept finding stupid little frittering things to do: My computer, my calorie intake, a web surf, my hydration, a silly long bath instead of a shower.

In contrast, if I had known I would be hesitant, then I would have dipped into my bag of tricks, such as, just like on a work day, getting up and leaving without looking back, after first going through my morning routine, "1,2,3 and finished." But it was a day off, and I hadn’t set any time to leave the house, except in the vague “can’t leave until rush hour is over” sort of way. I could have just made a decision the night before to get up at my usual time.

If I didn’t decide so, it was because I wouldn’t believe such a little thing, mere photocopying, would throw me off my stride. I guess my manuscript actually meant a lot to me. And I guess I’m not as brave as I would like to think. Blast… Dagnabit!

But like I say, it was trivial, and I did accomplish my mission, and no sense of any great blow to my ego. More like “another lesson learned” as I humbly walk through my days on earth.

Sean Crawford

Calgary

December

2016

Footnote: Yes, I did lots of other errands today too, that I won’t bore you with.