Free Fall Christmas Fun

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Hello Reader,

Got a fun attitude?

“Not life, but a good life, is expected of every citizen.” 

Dusty old Ancient Greek tradition.

Surely part of “the good life” is hobbies. At my weekly gathering for free fall writing our members include a lady who plays a saxophone, a gal who gardens, someone in a weekly choir, someone else in a weekly church choir—and of course all of us have a hobby of writing.

“Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight.”

Some writer for the comedy hit A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.

There’s a time to witness to the woes of the world, 

a time to delve into exciting educational matters

—but today, let’s just have fun: 

That’s what we did at this week’s Friday Free Fall where my favorite line of the morning was the complaint, “Why so busy this time of year; we should just go off to a spa.”

prompt-

none of the traditional Christmas food was on the table

You  know what’s nice about being a bachelor? With three bachelor brothers visiting? On a dark December night? Paper plates. Mother’s not here, we can have paper plates. And no broccoli. It was December the 24th, which, for you mathematically inclined, meant it was Christmas Eve. Everything was brilliantly lit inside. 

As children, while mother liked elegant lamps, the boys all preferred strong overhead white lights—even in the front room. “All the better to read by, my bros.” Even when watching the idiot box. “You can’t read all the time, not when Star Trek is on, or Hockey night in Canada.”

We were under my roof, at my table, and I announced, “No taking your food into the front room. Hockey doesn’t start until 8:00, we have plenty of time. Of course, desert is optional.” The bros all glanced at each other: Hockey or desert? Never mind, eat that plate when you get to it, for now: food, Food FOOD!

But none of the food was traditional Christmas fare: We were bachelors, and we loved our Pizza, and anchovies, and West Moresby Fighting Haddock, and Cornish game steaks, marinated, from North East Alberta. No broccoli. It was Christmas on earth.

Prompt- 

Carol finally fell asleep under the mistletoe

Carol kicked a snowshoe out of the way. Normally we rack them outside, but things were sloppy this Christmas day. “We are,” she said, looking at each brother in turn as if she was an archer with an arrow, “going to have a Christmas party this evening.”

All we could say was, “Uh…”

“This means we invite the Barber girls, and Judy too, and a certain dark handsome man who is not so tall, and don’t any of you dare spoil him for me…”

Now she looked like she had a heavy-duty hand-cranked crossbow, with a poisoned tip quarrel.

We all looked away and murmured, “We’ve got no quarrel with that; don’t get cross; if you want a party, we’ll oblige.” In another life I’m sure Carol was Captain Bligh.

“Sean, go shovel the sundeck; Paul, start packing up the small odds and sods; Mike, start moving stuff over to the door. Everything gets put outside for the party.”

…Of all the chalets in Ravenshead, I am sure we had the merriest party. Crammed in together, no inhibitions. At the end we passed out happily, and Carol finally fell asleep under the mistletoe. 

Prompt- 

Bob and Carol organized their divorce party over Christmas drinks. I mean, why not? I think of them, as snow flakes dance down past the windows, well heated from within. Why not? No one is called a “divorcee” these days; even the royal family has been known to divorce. Too bad princess Margret lost her chance to marry a divorced Battle of Britain pilot.

But these are modern times. Women wear pants and have jobs. Families are small, and in their case, no kids at all.

So they drank their favorite drinks, looked back on their favorite times, and knew life was too grand to be petty. They were Americans: Can-do spirit, optimism, and a crazy confidence that baffles the rest of the world.

No dogs to decide custody of, no cats. He didn’t want her mother’s knick-knacks, and neither did she, but he wouldn’t take them. She wouldn’t take his carved wooden duck decoys, although he tried to press them on her. “No,” she said, “let’s drink to a simple life.”

“It’ll be simpler after we sell the house and divide the profits.”

“Yup,” she said, “I’m going to get a studio apartment and wear a beret.”

“Oh. I can’t pull off wearing a beret. I’ll get a ship’s cabin, paint it white inside, and hang my paintings of stags at bay. And Star Wars.”

Carol shuddered, “Not the painting of the Wookie, with the big rocket launcher, surely.”

“The very one.”

“This divorce,” said Carol, “will be good for my poor eyes. Surely you won’t—oh you have to—have it prominently on the wall for our divorce party.”

“I will, if you hang your Kandinsky upside down.”

“I will, but if no one notices then you have to be the one to announce the fact.”

Prompt- 

Want some rhubarb leaf tea? I smiled down at Junior when he asked that. It was about lunch time, the time when kids have parties, and we were all set with hot dogs and potato chips, to celebrate the birthday of the Christ child. Junior could cook his own eggs in the microwave, get his own pre-sliced bread, cook all sorts of micro-snacks like you see on TV, and even, using his child sized pantry table, make tea.

I looked at his little Peter Rabbit pot. 

“Did you really make tea?”

“Yes.”

“With real rhubarb leaves?”

“Yes. You said how our pioneer ancestors made tea from everything. Even stinging nettles.”

“Uh yes, well… From everything except haycorns and rhubarb. So we need to—” I said, pouring out the pot “—make something else.” Poor junior had his mouth in an upside down smile.

I said, “But how wonderful this is, for you have pre-heated the pot! Now it will make extra warm, extra long lasting, exciting new improved… (but what?)”

“I know! Lemonade! Hot pink lemonade!”

“Of course, just what we need for a party for Jesus. Shall I make it?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll be a host—” as I poured and stirred “—for the party.”

We sat. Junior took a really big bite of hot dog. As his cheeks bulged I said, “I’ll be a host for the Holy Ghost, as we eat the most, as, as the devil is toast.” Junior just nodded, cheeks still full, I continued, “Angels say forget the devil, Good will towards men, and boys, and mankind, and humankind—”

Junior swallowed and added, “And dogs.”

“Er, yes, and dogs, and hogs, and people who live in bogs.”

We grabbed our mugs, “Lets’ drink to that.”

Free Fall List-prompt, 

Christmas wish list

I was going to put down peace on Earth, but that would mean a deserted planet

I was going to put down a trip to Mars, but everybody says it’s still one-way

I was going to put down “all I can eat,” but my wife would have me eat arsenic, as she is on a diet.

I was going to put down a tread mill or an exercise bouncer, but we already have them gathering  dust downstairs.

I was going to put down an electric guitar, but no, think of my poor ears

Sean Crawford

December

In Allah’s Alberta

2018 

Footnotes:

~The prompts are written on paper slips, beforehand. After the rhubarb tea prompt was read out, Susan advised us that it would be poisonous. My favorite line from that prompt was  of a character stating, “You’ve never made that tea before, I’m sure.”

~At home, my plaque-mounted abstract painting by Kadinsky has two slots for hanging, top and bottom, so I can boggle people’s minds when they say it’s upside down. I can walk over and say, “It is? Well, so it is.” And then—switch!—Turn it upside down as they gape.

~Back in Ireland, we used to say that married couples had to stay married for the sake of the children, and then, after the kids were all grown up, stay married for the sake of other couples with kids. But now it’s legal to divorce. 

A man with a wheelchair told our rehabilitation class that a priest wouldn’t marry him as he couldn’t procreate. Indeed, Ireland only decriminalized private gay sex in the 1990’s. We of the One True Religion believed that sex was a sin unless for procreation, but… after the last child was born then a couple could continue to have sex, without it being sinful, because the husband had to keep in practise for in case the wife died and then he had to remarry and procreate some more. As my friend from Bible College explained to me.

As for Christ, he had nothing to say on the subject; in fact, some of his best dinner companions were sinners.

~Recently Ireland passed a referendum allowing abortions for women (they were crossing the Irish Sea to England)  To unflinchingly look at the need for social change is not weakness, but strength. 

Only people in a not-yet-democracy would ever think to call the Irish decadent.

Allah willing, we will continue to have a changing, living culture under a living God. 

~Free Fall will continue to meet before and after Christmas (But “after” will be at Parkdale United Church, with 60 parking stalls, hurray!, as the c-Space building will be closed that day)