essaysbysean.blogspot.com
Hello Reader,
Got social skills?
In which I blog the first
half of a nice speech I gave at
my Toastmasters club. And being as I’m too lazy to waste a speech, I thought I
would blog it here as an essay, even if I only have enough time to give you the
first half.
Have you heard? In
the last days of August I’m taking a big silver bird! To the United Kingdom of
Great Britain! Maybe I’ll go the exotic city of Edinburgh, and then, like so
many before me, walk “the Royal Mile.”
Some
self-satisfied snob said, “When I
travel, I get off the beaten path,
and talk with “the people.” I think, “Really? The people? If you are going to
talk to strangers in Scotland, then first you have to talk to complete
strangers you run across here in town—Do you do that?”
After the above
introduction, I said to my peers in Toastmasters, “Ladies and gentlemen, tonight
I will talk on ‘how to strike up a conversation with a stranger.’”
My peers might not have done theatre
improvisation, or watched Drew Carey doing “Whose
Line is It, Anyways?” but in Toastmasters they had all done an
improvisation called “Table Topics.” That’s where the chairman asks you a
question, and then you have to talk for “one to two minutes.” Such an impromptu
speech is a totally separate skill from being able to go home and write out
your speech ahead of time. To me it’s like how a hunter can be excellent at the
skill of snap shooting but hopeless at distant targets, if he never practices long
deliberate shots. (Soldiers train for both)
As you can
imagine, when you first try Table Topics your brain and body freeze up tight. But
don’t worry, in time you learn to relax and freely improvise on your feet. You
get good at it. Likewise, you can get better at talking to strangers, as an improvisational skill, not quite like
your skills for mingling, say, in the lobby at a toastmaster event or attending
a wine and cheese thingy. There people are attending in a “meet people mood;”
there you could, in theory, boost your confidence by writing your social questions
ahead of time on a small file card to put in your pocket. You know the ones: Do
you live around here, have plans for the weekend, see any good movies lately,
and so forth. In contrast, encountering a stranger on the sidewalk along the Royal
Mile is a little different, but not by much. Not like wandering around a
friendly summer bar-b-q, no, but more of an improvisational thing, and happily
it’s a skill you can learn. Maybe by role modeling.
As for modeling, one
time at college I entered a wine and cheese with Joyce Gee, a petite pretty
girl. She was worried, unsure whether she would be able talk to anyone. I said,
“I have an idea! You just stay right beside me and as we mingle around, after
the first words, I’ll include you in the conversation.” So I’d say hello, get
us started, and then? They’d all talk solely to Joyce. Yes, she was pretty.
Another memory:
One time I was sitting on a stool at the counter of the old Lido Café. Ken
Fung, the manager, asked how I was. I said with some gloom that I had a weight
on my shoulders as I had a project due in three days, but then I would be able
to feel fine. He said, “I bet you have to do a speech for Toastmasters.” Wow! How
did he know? Maybe because he had a son, Vincent, in Toastmasters. I guess the
lesson, dear reader, is that strangers are more alike than they are different, they
know your concerns, and they are just as eager to talk as you are. Have faith.
Have faith not
only in your ability to learn to improvise, but also in your ability to have an
awareness of who wants to talk. We
all know which dog doesn’t want to be petted, which person doesn’t want to be
hugged. Jerry Mundis in his excellent book on debt tells of the time he was
walking along with his head down. I forget the actual story, so let’s pretend: His
companion drew his attention to “Aren’t those the most beautiful clouds?” he
looked up for a micro-second, said, “yes,” then looked down at his feet again
to worry about his bills. She confronted him!
Needless to say,
at that moment Mundis was not “present” or “grounded” or “centered” or— well,
he was just not in the mood to talk to any stranger. I try to be aware not just
of others but of myself too: If I’m feeling “dark” at a particular moment, then
that’s OK, that’s normal; it’s OK to for me to ignore strangers until another
day. In fact, I wrote an essay about a whole day of ignoring people, called Say Hello To Strangers, archived March
2014.
I have a pretty
young acquaintance, Clarisse, who can walk the length of Calgary downtown
without any young men speaking to her, without herself speaking to anyone. Just
as might happen on the Royal Mile. I know her through my friend Miranda, who
tells me Clarisse walks without an awareness of the impression she gives off… when
she is (seemingly) walking without any awareness of her surroundings. Without any
caring for her surroundings… and then,
it logically follows, without caring for the
people. At least she doesn’t walk too fast, not like a type A personality. But
she does walk eyes front, arms slightly swinging in symmetrical time, face
blank, in her own little world. A remote world.
Miranda, at least
on her good days, moves through the world like a Girl Guide, alert and
observant. Her eyes are light and roaming, her face is open. In Star Trek
terms, she is present with her scanners scanning, sensors sensing, her radar
dish whirling merrily. That’s her proven way to strike up conversations with
strangers.
For my Toastmaster
speech people laughed when I began twirling my hand like radar. By this halfway
point, having already talked about faith,
and awareness, I added a little more
about awareness, and then I went on to explain willingness. My essay, as I type this, writing at the Cochrane
Coffee Traders, is over a thousand words. It’s time I bid you good luck in
talking to people, I’m off to meet folks in Calgary. Maybe I’ll see you on the
Royal Mile.
Sean Crawford
July
Calgary
2017
Footnotes:
~Do you want a Part
Two?
~Soldiers not only
practice deliberate shooting and snap shooting, they also do “run downs” just
like they would when maneuvering in the field, where they have throw themselves
down and shoot while breathless.
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